I have decided that all my pets (past and present) are the strangest animals ever.

Kitty, as I've stated before, loves to fetch rubber bands, hair ties, bottle caps, and wadded up balls of paper and trash. She likes to drink out of the toilet. She and Chuckie hate taking baths, but they'll play in the shower for hours (water off of course.)

Chuckie will eat anything and everything. Chips, rice, noodles, meat, vegetables...you have it out, he'll eat it. Although he doesn't seem to prefer mustard pretzels for some odd reason. Kitty won't eat "people" food. The only time I've seen her do it was when she pulled a piece of a hamburger off of my plate.

Poki is incredibly smart. She was potty trained in 4 days. She can sit, speak, roll over, and shake. She learned all that in about 6 days. I was surprised considering my parent's dog failed obedience school. :) <seriously> But she's so smart sometimes it's scary. She understands what we say to her. She hates when we leave, or try to leave that is. Poki has to stay with my parent's because I can't have pets where I live. So every time I come to visit, and then try to leave, she literally takes my hand in her mouth and drags me back over to the couch so I'll stay "just 5 more minutes."

I used to have a bird named Josilyn. She was a blue parakeet. Prettiest little thing. Oddly enough, she died the same day I totaled my first car (a Suzuki Swift named Matilda.) She was very excitable and would take to loud squawking fits until you paid her some attention. She was very quiet at night which was a good thing.

Zorro was my beta. Now typically beta's last between 1 and 2 years. Not Zorro. Try 4 and a half. He was a begger......for food and stares. He loved basking in the glow of our eyeballs. He insisted on eating about 3 times as much as stated on the back of the bottle. He was very much loved.

Then there's Elvis and Marilyn. The amazing see through frogs. If you're curious go to www.growafrog.com. They're sent to you by mail when the weather's just right. They have to have special water crystals and food, but they're so neat. As they get older they lose their translucense, but as tadpoles you can actually watch their heart beat. Only odd thing...Elvis is a girl and Marilyn is a boy. (A mistake we caught far too late.)

Last, my parent's dogs. Technically they're mine too considering I spent most of my life with them. First there was Justy. She was born when I was 4. She's a mutt. Very feisty and bitchy with a bad case of dandruff. Poki keeps her young. :) We found Sadie, a border collie mix, in a park when I was 14. Little did we know that she was pregnant. About a two months later, surprise! Nine puppies. A rare miracle, but all nine survived. We kept two, Oliver and Cleo, and gave the rest away. Oliver was our first boy dog. Total wimp, but sweeter than anything. Cleo is quite hyper and can jump unusually high. Sadie is lovingly named "big mama" because that's what she is. To everyone. She's very sweet and protective. Next came Hershey, a beagle/cocker spaniel mix. Very hyper with a high pitched bark that only other dogs can hear. <wink> She was given to us by a neighbor that was moving. Last, but certainly not least (in weight that is) is Caesar, a horrendously fat chocolate lab, who is kept in a fenced in section all to himself because he thinks he's king. He's sweet.

So that's the zoo of my life. As I'm sure you can tell, the animals are my babies. I've rescued three of those animals from almost certain death. I'm a sucker, I know. :)

~A~

(Courtesy of Alan's Humo-o-Rama www.humorama.com)

"Im a BAD American"

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, t takes two parents.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her god or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't use the excuse "it"s for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Courtesy of Alan's Hum-o-Rama www.humorama.com)

Subject: Viruses

This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses
have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the
national system.

Beware of...

THE ALGORE Virus....(Causes your computer to just keep counting
and counting)

THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO
memory)

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out
of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN Virus...(Saves your data, but forgets where it
is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON Virus....(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINERY Virus....(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to
100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your
processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...(Terminates some files,
leaves, but will be back)

...and a personal favorite of many...

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a
3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows) 
 

www.catster.com

If you don't all ready love cats, you will!!

~A~

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=583&e=1&u=/nm/20050713/od_nm/brazil_breasts_dc

ha ha bitches

~A~

<Alan's Hum-o-rama humorama.com>

A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch
talking, when the little girl asked: "Do you want to get
undressed and we can play doctor?" The little boy
replied, "That's too old fashioned"... "spit out your gum, I
want to play President."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<thehumorbin.com>

http://www.smh.com.au/news/fashion/the-lowdown-on-fashions-bottom-line/2005/07/01/1119724796760.html?oneclick=true 

At this point, why bother wearing pants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<Courtesy of Alan's Hum-o-rama humorama.com>

On their wedding night, Bruce displays his member to his new
blonde bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She,
of course, believes him.

He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks he returns,
only to be questioned by his new wife.

"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in
the world. But Harry at the drug store has one too."

"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war
together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine."

"Oh. Well, why did you give him the best one?"

This one's been around, but it's so funny, I have to post it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<Courtesy of Alan's Hum-o-rama humorama.com>

A FARMER'S DIVORCE

A farmer walked into an attorney's office to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I
want to get one of them there dayvorces." The attorney
asked, "Do you have any grounds?" to which the farmer
replied, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer answered, "No, I've got a John Deere." The attorney,
a bit exasperated, said, "You still don't understand, I mean do
you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea, I've got me a grudge,
that's where I park my John Deere." He attorney said, "No sir, I
mean do you have a suit?" "Yes sir," replied the farmer, "I got
a blue suit; I wear it to church on Sundays."

"Well, sir," asked the lawyer, "does your wife beat you up or
anything?" "No sir," said the farmer, "we both get up at 4:30 in
the morning." The attorney then asked, "Well, is she a nagger or
anything?" The farmer said, "No Sir, she's a little white gal,
but our last child was a nagger, and that's why I want this here
dayvorce!"

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly
speak.  Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor
how he could relax.  The Monsignor said, "Next week it may help if you
put some Vodka in the water pitcher.  After a few sips everything will
go smoothly."  The next week the new priest put the suggestion into
practise and was able to talk up a storm and felt just great.  Upon
returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor:

1) Next time, sip rather than gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.

5) We do not refer to our Saviour Jesus Christ and his Apostles as J.C.
and the Boys.

6) Next week there is a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

7) The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big
Daddy, Junior and the Spook."

8) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big X."

9) The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-Dub-Dub Thanks for
the Grub, Yeah God."

10) Last but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the
Cherry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahuas said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK. Go on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. this is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua? " The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f*king Chihuahua?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

-- Robin Williams

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once there was a bus with 37 people and everyone on there was ugly. The bus crashed and everyone died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter gave them all one wish before entering. The first guy said, "Make me beautiful." Everyone followed suit. When there was about 10 people left Saint Peter saw that the man in the back was laughing. He kept on granting the people's wishes to be beautiful. By the time Saint Peter got to the last guy he was rolling all over the ground laughing really hard. Saint Peter said, "What is your wish?" and he said, "Make them all ugly again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Johhny?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor was confused, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

Well, there I was going through "My Yahoo", and there was a joke that was so irresistable that I had to share it with you! You'll love it!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt
guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within
himself, trying to reassure him: "Darren, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients,
and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to
reality: "Darren, you're a vet...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I've been quite the procrastinator this year and finally headed out yesterday to endure the horrors of squeezing past hundreds of people to grab what was left of the department stores's stock of gifts. I wasn't brave enough for the mall...not yet!

I went to Target and Wal-Mart first. Jason kept coming up behind me so he ruined three presents! That was so annoying!! Finally today I got some peace because he has to work so I headed out again. I HATE TRAFFIC! I went to Hasting's (a music, video, gaming place for those of you who don't know.) and found a cd and shot glass that I knew he would love. Although we don't drink very often he always complains about not having one. While I was there I ended up picking out a couple of books that I knew my sisters would enjoy.

I was out of ideas and found myself heading toward Outdoor America because Jason is obsessed with fishing. I got him a gift certificate because he all ready has everything he wants...and then some. I figured he would prefer to pick out his own thing anyway! Phew! I'm done picking out his gift. Now he has to find a way to get me a gift...when I'm not around, although he has no car. Ha Ha Ha!! lol That's mean, huh?

Oh, I think I forgot to tell you guys about the newest addition to my family. Nala...a calico kitten...well almost cat. I got her about a month ago...and she was 7 months old then. It was hard to introduce her into the family at that age...it's a lot easier when they're only 6 or 7 weeks old. But everything's good now........3 kittens and a dog! AAGH! What's sad is I would take more. <wink> I work for the shelter with the Save our Strays group, and it's all I can do not to just bring everyone home. lol

I'll talk to you guys later!!

Hi everyone!! Yeah, it's me...Ashton. hehehe Gosh, it's been forever. I just recently invested in a laptop and internet service of my own, so I'm free to browse whenever I please!!

I am starting college on Monday. I'm excited/terrified/nervous/happy. lol I'm majoring in Business Management and Administration. Yes, I still want to do acting, but this is a fantastic opportunity for me and I just can't pass it up. It's all going to be online...so when I get bored in class I can just blog. <wink> j/k

Everyone send me a note and let me know how things are! Ciao!

Hi guys! I know it's been forever...my life has been insane!

I finally got hired on permanently at my job and got a big raise...it was quite comforting...and it's nice to have that extra money!

I broke up with Jason, which was surprisingly easy. I was so emotionally detatched from him, that I'd been suffering from the breakup way before it actually happened. He went psycho on me, and now I'm having to get the law involved, but it's the best for the safety of my friends and family and me.

I have some new pictures, so I figured I'd post them. They're of me and my cats...unfortunately, Jason still has my cats, which is killing me. I haven't seen them in over a week, and I'm so lost without them. =(

Everybody drop me a line and let me know how things are going. I've been pretty busy, with school and all, but I'll try and make it a point to check this more often! =) 

So I had court today...AAGH! It was the scariest thing...having to see Jason...luckily I had an amazing support group from the women's shelter...and they just surrounded me when I walked into the courtroom...I didn't have to look at Jason once. I got my order of protection...for the maximum amount of time...2 yrs. I do believe that by 2008, Jason will have moved on...thank god! =)

I was also ordered my civil standby so I was able to get my things out of the house. It was quick...and relatively painless. I had to make the hardest decision to leave the cats. I'm not living in a situation that would be comfortable for them, and the last thing I want is for them to be unhappy. In a way, I hate myself for it, but I honestly feel that I did the right thing. =(

Tomorrow I'm getting a storage space to fit all my crap into. I really don't want to have to pay an extra $40 a month, but until I have my own place, it will have to do.

Anyway, just trying to keep you guys updated. Take care! =)

~Ashy~